Intervention

Quote of the day:
"The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves; most things, in fact, are better in the morning."
--Lewis Thomas

Reality TV ranges from the insightful to the insipid. I’m watching across this spectrum--from “Intervention” to “House Hunters” to “Kitchen Nightmares” all the way down to “Survivor.”

“Intervention” has just begun a new season. It's an excellent show, though it’s very easy to dismiss it as “depressing.” It’s about addiction. More precisely, it’s about addicts and their families and friends.

Each show ends with an intervention involving the addict, family and friends, guided by a trained professional. Just before the credits, there is a moment where a slide explains what happened in the weeks or months after the intervention.

But the show is really about what addiction is, and how it happens within loving, normal families. By “normal,” I mean families with problems. All families have problems. Some show them, most don’t.

One of the reasons this show is so good is that addiction is so pervasive through our society. When our culture’s predisposition to pleasure-seeking, quick gratification and control meets the psychological and biological needs of an addict, it’s like a spark hitting gunpowder.

“Intervention” is done in a very straightforward documentary style. There is no narration. We simply see all the participants either living their lives or talking into the camera.

I don’t know exactly how it’s done, but the producers have full access to the lives of its subjects. We see as matter-of-fact the usually-concealed daily habits of alcoholics, drug addicts, anorexics and gambling addicts.

It’s not always pretty, but it is very insightful. Most of the people portrayed are normal people who live and work among us. We see how easily their lives have gone wrong.

And we see how mostly well-meaning friends and family members are almost always part of the addict’s problem. And they need to change their self-destructive expectations just as the addict needs to change her self-destructive habits.

Surrendering Changes Your Life

Quote of the day:
“Every one has time if he likes. Business runs after nobody: People cling to it of their own free will and think that to be busy is a proof of happiness.”
--Seneca

A celebrity-doing-good quote of the day:
“Learning about abstinence was one thing, but then there was this other area of my life to start learning about, and so 30 days became 60, and 60 days became 90, and with each week that passed I found myself really learning how to surrender.”
--Keith Urban, country singer and husband of Nicole Kidman.

Urban was talking about his stay at the Betty Ford Center for treatment of alcohol dependency. Addiction is such a hard thing to shake, it is inspiring to hear someone who not only stuck with a treatment program, but came to understand addiction’s power.

I’ve never known anyone to “shake” an addiction. The pattern is usually long periods of deterioration followed by seeming recovery followed by another period of deterioration. The recovery only “sticks” if the addict can sustain regular treatment or support for the rest of his life.

That’s the special appeal of Urban going public. He is saying that he knows he has a problem, and that he knows it’s huge, and that he knows he needs continuing support. That’s what the “surrender” is about. And Urban’s life will continue to be about surrender.

Here’s how to know your dealing with an addict or alcoholic with a problem. He or she will always say either that he doesn’t have a problem, or that he has figured out or solved the problem.

Clean Desks and Sick Minds

Quote of the day:
“Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.”
--Madame Necker

Quote of the day no.2:
“Some have charged that those who objected to Saddam’s hanging thereby minimized his crimes. But if Saddam’s guilt were to be the measure of his punishment he would have been tortured to death--and even then the retribution would have been inadequate. Capital punishment’s worst affront is not to the dignity and humanity of the condemned. It is to the dignity and humanity of the polity that decrees it.”
--Hendrik Hertzberg in "The New Yorker."

There used to be a very popular desk sign that said “A Clean Desk is a Sign of a Sick Mind.” I’ve had my share of sloppy, disorganized desks, until I figured out how much easier life was with a clean desk. It took me a while to learn that it was much easier to throw things away immediately rather than save them to be thrown away later.

But clean desk or sloppy desk, I always thought that sign said much more about the person posting it than about the people it aimed to describe. When I saw this sign, it was invariably posted by a slob who was attempting to say that his clutter was an indication of superior adjustment and mental health. Because I was acquainted with the adjustment and mental health of the posters, I knew this not to be the case.

Cleanliness and tidiness do bring out our most obsessive qualities. Indeed, some folks seem much more concerned with the order of their immediate world than with the people around them. But allowing dirt and clutter accumulate on your desk does not mean that you are a more caring person than those who are tidy. Sorry.

The Great American Attention Grab

Quote of the day:
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
--Herm Albright

There are many strange behaviors and sicknesses shown and written about in the news. The most pervasive, pernicious and persistent one is the attention grab.

As humans, we all need a little attention--a little love, if you want to put it that way. And when we’re kids we learn about getting attention. We learn that it comes to us without our effort, or that we have to constantly ask or work for it. We learn that it’s easy to get, hard to get, or impossible to get.

We get too much attention or too little, or just about the right amount. We get accustomed to constant attention, or we adjust to neglect, or something in between.

We all like attention, in varying amounts. Some of us like it a little too much. Some of us cannot stand it if someone else in our family, social circle, or workplace is getting more attention than we are. To deal with this, we demand attention--by being rude or by putting down the other person or by plotting and scheming.

Celebrities often have an insatiable need for attention, no matter what field they work in. Recent example: Pat Robertson predicting a terrorist attack in 2007. (Give us a break, Pat.) Perpetual example: Paris Hilton.

Being well-known doesn’t create the need for attention but rather feeds it. If there is already some sickness present (including a childhood with way too little or way too much attention), an addiction is born, which may be inflicted on all of us for years to come.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Quote of the day:
“I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

‘Tis the season when all our addictions and dysfunctions are both triggered and on display. The holidays bring out he best in us, and can also bring out the worst, especially if we’re feeling exhausted or a bit depressed.

The mere presence of family members can instantly bring back the emotions of childhood. This may catch us by surprise in a season when there are so many distractions to keep us busy. We say, “I thought I was past that.” The reality is that, like it or not, we never get past it. We just find different (we hope more constructive) ways of dealing with these emotions.

When I was ten years old, I got a small tape recorder for Christmas. I still have the tape I made that morning. It’s a bit eerie to revisit a Christmas long past so vividly--though I suppose a lot of people have 15- or 20-year-old videos, which would be even more real.

As I listen to that tape it becomes clear to me that the events and people I am hearing are locked in the past. What matters is what I carry forward to today, and what I do with it.

Perfectionism Kills

Quote of the day:
"There are sadistic scientists who hurry to hunt down errors instead of establishing the truth."
--Marie Curie

In today’s "Parade" magazine, columnist Marilyn vos Savant answers a reader’s question about perfectionism this way:
“I believe that if perfectionism is directed toward a goal, it can be enormously beneficial: I don’t see how some goals can be achieved without perfectionism! ... Yet if perfectionism pervades our personality, and you cannot give up--at least temporarily--on a problem without moving on, the trait will drain your most precious resource: time.”

I guess I should expect it in a short advice column, but the glibness and brevity of this answer is worrisome. Vos Savant is correct that there are benefits to seeking perfection, but only in very narrow contexts. She uses the careers of golfer Tiger Woods and pianist Lang Lang as examples. I would add that seeking (not expecting) perfection in yourself in a specific hobby or project can be very rewarding.

However, if we live our lives expecting perfection in everything, or almost everything, we are sentencing ourselves to lives of frustration and unhappiness. And our time will not be the only victim. There is a reason that virtually every drug or alcohol or work addict has perfectionism as a basic part of his personality.

For a very compelling look at perfectionism and its effect on relationships, I strongly recommend Woody Allen’s movie "Interiors." Geraldine Page gives an excellent performance as someone devoted to perfection above all--and we get to see how the people who love her (or try to love her) are indelibly affected. It is a serious, adult film, and may be Allen’s best.

Addiction and Delusion

Observation: Our addiction to distraction makes it very difficult to tap into the inherent goodness of our humanity.



Quote: "The need for near-perfect certainty is a deeply entrenched delusion." 
--former State Department aide Charles Hill

The Strongest Muscle

Science item: The strongest muscle, ounce for ounce, is the tongue. (thanks to Scott Lafee)



Quote: "One needs to understand that of all species, only humans are prone to habitually self-destructive behavior."
--John Rosemond